377

Week 2 of WW Online completed... down 5 pounds... 8 pounds total.

382

1st week of Weight Watchers Online in the books... 3 pounds lost... goal for this week is more exercise.

STATE OF THE ALLES ADDRESS – 11/8/10

First off, thanks for all of the birthday wishes on Facebook. Corny as it sounds, it was extremely cool to have all of those well wishes come streaming through. All hail the glory of FB. J

This being my 36^th birthday, it's not so much of a milestone (compared to any other year), because really, at this point, all you have are the "5's" to truly celebrate and/or dread. That being said, I figured I could quickly take stock of where things are and make some projections for next year. I can group everything into "thankful" and "hopeful" categories (helps when your birthday is relatively close to Thanksgiving).

THANKFUL

I'm thankful for my beautiful, loving, patient wife Camille. The eight years we have been together (seven as a married couple) have been, collectively, the greatest period in my life. Even through the rough times, I can truly say that I have always been married to my best friend and soul mate.

I'm thankful for my immediate family and in-laws. I appreciate the support and fellowship I get from my brother Kent; sisters Mary, Jaime, and Kim; and brother- and sister-in-laws Don, Carla, Brian, Colette, Brent, and Paula. I'm glad they're all relatively close to us, location wise, so it's easy to stay close with them. I'm thankful my parents Gordy and Yvonne and Camille's parents Bob and Charlotte are all in relatively good health and still of great support to us. I'm thankful to have seven wonderful nieces and nephews – Zach, Cayla, Robert, Sasha, Hailey, Wes, and Katelyn - that are all joys in my life. I'm thankful that Grandma Chris has found new happiness with Mel. I'm thankful for the continued love and support from my "step" family – Deb, Grandpa and Grandma VanDyke, and the rest of the VanDyke family – to be honest, at this point they're all family to me – don't really even think in terms of "step" anymore. All of my aunts, uncles, and other family members – I am truly blessed in this area.

I'm thankful to have a job (especially at a time when many do not) that challenges me. I'm thankful that GRCC and Davenport still allow me to continue to pursue my original love, education, even if it is as a "gun for hire" as an adjunct faculty member.

I'm thankful for the great people I get to work with in theater, whether it's Red Hand for the murder mysteries, Thebes Players for the other drama opportunities, and all of the other talented people I get to work with to keep that part of my life active.

I'm thankful for all of my great friends: the ones close to me here in Michigan and the other ones I still keep in touch with across the country. I'm thankful they continue to allow me to be a part of their lives, in whatever small or large amount.

I'm thankful for my continued relationship with God.

HOPEFUL

I'm hopeful that I can continue to work on reducing my weight and getting in better shape. I really want to finally be in good health and be around for Camille and any other additions to the family.

I'm hopeful that my Grandma Alles continues to recover as quickly as possible from her stroke.

I'm hopeful that Camille and I will finally be able to realize the possibility of having a child of our own. I think we are realistic about our possibilities at this stage in the game, but we remain optimistic that God has a plan for us in this area, as we know that we both have a lot of love and guidance to give.

I'm hopeful that I will continue my development in my current work role(s); and, at the same time, continue to explore other areas for development, both personally and professionally.

I'm hopeful that anyone who is reading this finds positivity and hope in their own lives. We live in troubled times, to be sure. I hope that whatever people have for support, guidance, and faith serves them well this year as well.

I'm hopeful that I didn't forget anybody or anything I should have mentioned in either of these two categories. If so, I'm truly sorry, but at 36 years of age, the memory ain't exactly what it used to be…

385

Today is day 1 of the "Get Back on Track" with the diet. Weight is shown above. I'm going to be using the Weight Watchers plan as my guide, since that's what's worked best for me in the past. Also going to make sure I get to the Y as much as I can this week... working with a new trainer there and need to get back on track in the exercise department as well.

As I don't really feel like paying to attend meetings, but I still realize I need to have some accountability, I'll use Alles in Wonderland as my "weekly weigh in." I'll be recording my weight updates here weekly, and if I miss one, feel free to call me on it, Rabbit Holers (all three of you :) ).

According to an online BMI calculator, 178 would be considered a "healthy" weight for my height, but to start with attainable goals I'm going to use Weight Watchers' 5% and 10% targets, which would be 366 (19 pounds lost) and 346 (39 pounds) respectively. Hopefully I can reach those relatively quickly and then beyond. As I approach age 36 next week, I realize that I can't be at this weight very much longer (not that I should have been at this weight *at all*, but here we are). Need to get healthy so when the apocalypse hits on December 21, 2012, I will be one of the survivors. (Ha ha.)

Anyway, we'll keep you posted. In the meantime, as Stan Lee says, "Excelsior!"

Quick DVD Reviews - 5/3/10

Quick DVD reviews from movies I watched this past weekend.

"It's Complicated" - very funny, mostly due to the actors involved - Alec Baldwin, Meryl Streep, and Steve Martin, so I was sold. :) Typical Nancy Meyers film. GRADE: B

"9" (animated film - not the musical). Visually stunning, so-so story. I think it had some of the problems as "Wall-E" with having the focus on a non-human cast. GRADE: B

"Land of the Lost." Dinosaur dung. Absolutely terrible. Will Ferrell can't do too many more of these (looking at you, "Semi-Pro") or he'll be derailed. Even the usually solid Danny McBride (“Eastbound and Down”) and the lovely Anna Friel (from the late, lamented “Pushing Daisies”) couldn’t save this one. At least the old Sid&Marty Kroft production from the 70's has kitsch value. This has nothing. GRADE: F

A MODERN FABLE

The old dilapidated high-rise apartment building stuck out like an eyesore in the middle of the formerly gleaming city. People would walk past it and shake their heads. They couldn’t believe that people were still living in there, after all those years. “They have no choice,” some would say. “What is the alternative? To die in the streets?”

So, after many years, a decision was made. Something had to be done about the old dilapidated high-rise apartment building. That eyesore couldn’t be the representation of the gleaming city that people would point at, shake their heads, and sadly laugh. Something had to be done.

The city council met in their large chamber. One council member had the idea to just blow the darn thing up and start from scratch. “No, no, no,” the other council members said. “We can’t do that. There are people in that building! Where are they supposed to live while we build a new high-rise apartment building from the ground up?”

A second city council member had the idea to build a brand-new high-rise apartment building on TOP of the old high-rise apartment building. Many on the city council nodded their heads in agreement. “Yes, yes!” they cried. “The people can live in the NEW high-rise apartment building, on the top floors! That will solve the problem!”

A third city council member replied, “But won’t we still have all the problems of the old high-rise apartment building? We can’t afford to pay the rent on what we have right now. How are we going to pay for a new high-rise apartment building on top of the old high-rise apartment building?”

“Be quiet!” the other council members shouted. “You don’t care about the people! They have to live in the squalor of the old high-rise apartment building! They DESERVE to live in the top floors of our NEW high-rise apartment building!”

The third city council member calmly replied again, “Well, I tell you what. We all know what parts of the high-rise apartment building need fixing. Why don’t we work on those parts one at a time, until the high-rise apartment building is restored to its former glory?”

“NO!” the other council members retorted. “That would take too long! Those people NEED a NEW high-rise apartment building NOW! And we’re going to build it on top of the old high-rise apartment building… no matter what it costs… no matter if we can afford it right now or not… and then everything will be fine!”

The council streamed out of the council room, cheering their decision. The third city planner remained behind, shaking his head sadly and remembering a story he once heard about mansions built on sand…

Written and Directed by Brent Alles
Produced by Yvonne Alles

Auditions in March 2011
Rehearsals in March and April 2011
Performances May 5-8, 2011 – Lowell Performing Arts Center, Lowell High School, Lowell, MI

Yes, I know I’m a little early with in this announcement, but I’m excited. :)

More details to come in the months ahead, faithful collaborators.

BGA

Favorite Comic Book Moments of All Time - #1

Florida - the Wrap-Up

OK, so Days 7-11 in a nutshell. :)

Epcot was quite cool... makes one optimistic for the future, only when you realize it's a Disney fantasy, cuz we ain't never gettin' to that Future World. :)

Had fun visiting my grandmother in Winter Haven. Glad we could keep her company for a while and I'm always amused when she and her friends legitimise the stereotypes about Florida senior citizen life. :)

Solid rain on Thursday and Friday... my mom had an absolute time of it in the air. We picked her up in Orlando once she finally arrived 3 hours and 45 minutes after she was supposed to. We gave a ride to her hearing impaired seat mate to Winter Haven... can't make this stuff up, folks.

Our own slight delay and difficulty in Sanford, and we returned safe and sound. As much as I love Florida (for what it is), it always pleases me to return to the state I've called home for 30 years now (5 in Syracuse, you know).

Florida 2010 – Days 5 and 6

DAY 5 – MONDAY (3/8/10)

Today was Magic Kingdom Monday. This will be the first time I'm visiting there in 20 years, so we'll see what has changed in two decades. The place we are staying at is minutes away from Disney, which is nice for (a) coming or (b) going.

Entering Disney World is quite the operation. First we parked in the parking lot ("Dopey 104" – appropriate for this writer?). Then we took a tram to the entrance. Camille and I bought a 2-day pass (one day for MK, one day for Epcot). They charge quite the price for this, so I'd better be getting my share of magic out of it, dang it. After we purchased the tickets, we boarded the monorail (my Simpsons-plagued brain of course referenced the famous "Monorail" episode) and it took us to the actual entrance. So, to review, there is an entrance to the entrance to the entrance. Lewis Carroll would be quite pleased.

You have to give it to Disney; they know how to create the magic for the kids (whatever age) right off the bat. As we stood at the entrance (after the entrance and the entrance), the Disney characters were already on the train, waving to everyone as we stood at the gates in breathless anticipation. My 4-year-old niece, if she had a meter installed to show her excitement, is already at the point where the meter would crack and break.

9:00 arrives and we enter the park. First up is Main Street, U. S. A., a collection of old-timey town square attractions. My sister-in-law Carla, always on the lookout for "Disney on the Dime," takes my niece Cayla to the barber shop and she gets confetti (sorry… FAIRY DUST) sprinkled in her hair. Cost for this: free. Cost to look like an actual Disney Princess: starts at $250 (includes costume, hairdo, etc.). My niece's excitement level was about the same with the former, so you do the economic math.

On to Adventureland, where we ride The Magic Carpets of Aladdin. Not incredibly exciting to an adult, but my niece loved it. The Magic Kingdom is largely designed for slightly younger kids, so don't expect Cedar Point style thrills here. We take the Jungle Cruise and that's about it for this area. (I didn't walk through the Swiss Family Treehouse and we didn't attend The Enchanted Tiki Room because my brother-in-law Don hates the voice of Gilbert Gottfried, who plays the parrot Iago in said room. No Pirates of the Caribbean either, which is OK… I saw the movies and they're marginally more exciting than the ride.

Next up is Frontierland, which has a couple of exciting rides, starting with Splash Mountain, which is a log flume ride. As I'm wearing jeans (only going to be in the low 70's today; I know, poor, poor Michigander), I choose to abstain. I do ride Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, which is thrilling enough for my wife Camille, but then again, the carousel is thrilling for her. (Just kidding, Camille.)

On to Liberty Square, where we take in the Haunted Mansion (still fun after all these years) and the Hall of Presidents. I love the slightly jingoistic nature of these events. I'm certainly as patriotic as the next guy, but with the amount of foreign tourists in the park, I was still bemused at how often our patriotic message was shoved down their throats whenever possible. J

Next is Fantasyland, which has rides and attractions related to many of Disney's famous cartoons. My niece was able to meet three of the Disney princesses: Belle (from "Beauty and the Beast"), Aurora ("Sleeping Beauty"), and Cinderella (from "Apocalypse Now"). I was riding other attractions while she was doing this; the park was extremely busy, so there was a huge line for any of these famous character meet-and-greets. According to my sister-in-law, two of the princesses were fine and dandy, but Belle apparently had a little attitude. But then again, if you were married to a big hairy guy, you'd probably have a little attitude as well.

Besides Mickey's Toontown Fair (REALLY designed for the younger set), there is Tomorrowland, where the main attraction is Space Mountain. SM is still a fun ride after all these years; according to my brother-in-law, there has been a major renovation to it recently. One thing I love about Disney's rides is that when you're in queue (and there were LONG queues today) they have things for you to do while you're waiting. Whether it's cartoons playing or interactive games, it lessens your pain.

That's pretty much the park in a nutshell. A lot of back and forth all day, and my feet were pretty sore at the end of it. At the end of the day, there was an electric parade and brother, you want to talk about a mass of humanity, there you go. After that was finished, we had to get back on the monorail, and that was an ordeal in its own. My usual allegory of walking into a theme park all happy sunshine and light and then coming out at the end of the day looking like you've been through a nuclear holocaust pretty much applied here as well.

A really fun day, though… nice to see the Magic Kingdom in all its glory after 20 years. The magic is still there, even for an adult. However, I am again glad that my sister-in-law came up with her "staggering" idea, that is, not doing two park days in a row, because after today, I really needed…

DAY 6 – TUESDAY (3/9/10)

A day of rest.

Florida 2010 – Days 2-4

 

OK, I'm really behind here; constant blogging on vacation is definitely a task! So let's sum up Friday through Sunday, shall we? (Magic Kingdom really deserves its own post.)

FRIDAY (3/5/10)

Today we headed out to the Tampa Zoo. It's a weird phenomenon when you're in Orlando; it seems like everything should be close and yet it seems to take time to get anywhere you want to go (besides Orlando). Some weird shift in the time-space continuum, I suppose.

The Tampa Zoo (or Lowry Zoo, if you prefer) was really fun. Yeah, I know, animal activists, zoos are evil, but reading all of the information blurbs about the animals sadly reveals that many of them are endangered, and most of the time NOT by us ugly Americans. I'm sure some zoos have some questionable tactics, but this one seemed to really care about the well-being of the animals.

My personal favorite was of course the rhinos. I don't know what it is; I always like seeing these guys. They also had a white tiger that was quite nifty to look at. And the monkeys, of course. I love me some monkeys. The orangutans were quite funny, using pieces of paper to shield themselves from the paparazzi (us). I was not able to ask any of them if they ever had the opportunity to star with Clint Eastwood in a feature film.

Back to the ranch and time for family fellowship again. The heater seems not to be working on our attached in-ground pool, so it's still a bit cold to swim in. I know, commoners… the things we faux riche have to deal with!

SATURDAY (3/6/10)

We headed out to Disney's Wilderness Campground today. Little trick – if you go to the Magic Kingdom gate and tell them you are going back to check out the Wilderness, you can avoid the parking fee. (If anybody from Disney is reading this blog, and why wouldn't they be, please ignore the previous sentence.) The Wilderness is quite nifty – lots of outdoorsy things to do, and they have a campground sing-along and S'mores fest every night with Chip and Dale. We took a boat ride from the campground over to a couple of the hotels attached to the Magic Kingdom and wandered around.

To say that the Disney folks are marketing geniuses would merely take up unnecessary space in these entries. The psychologically intriguing thing is how they get their parishioners to pony up for the experience. Breakfast with Mickey? $25 for children, $35 for adults. Want your daughter to look like a Disney princess? Starting price $250. Whether the recession is truly over or not, I don't know, but there were a lot of miniature Disney princesses wandering around these first few days, so obviously the marketing technique seems to be working.

We headed back to the Wilderness at night for the aforementioned sing-along. Eventually some cowboy came out and led the crowd in familiar old-timey tunes. He looked like Dave Coulier from Full House, so I spent most of the time wondering if (a) it really was Dave Coulier and (b) if so, is he that desperate for gigs? Anyway, Chip and Dale eventually come out and make their way around the crowd, hugging kids and posing for pictures. Again, the Disney experience works its magic, because my 4-year-old niece definitely had her first highlight of the 10 days being able to hug somebody in a big furry suit.

SUNDAY (3/7/10)

Time for Sunday Mass, and we visited the Mary, Queen of the Universe shrine in order to partake. (Nifty name for a shrine – probably attracts Catholics and Sci Fi fans alike.) The shrine is huge and impressive. The priest was warm and funny, though he did good-naturedly mention the fact that they had two offerings in order to maintain themselves. Since the Shrine is not attached to a parish, and they largely draw on tourist attendance, I suppose they need to make sure they can stay in existence, but judging from the size of the crowd and the trappings around us, things are going OK. We checked out the gift shop and museum attached to the worship space, and then headed back out.

Traffic around this area really makes me appreciate my (relatively) small-town life. I really don't complain as much about Grand Rapids traffic as I used to after visiting places like Atlanta, Los Angeles, and California. It's just another realm.

Today was just kind of a "chill-out" day, otherwise, since we will be hitting the Magic Kingdom tomorrow. My sister-in-law Carla came up with the rather ingenious strategy of having "chill-out" days in between the major event days. For the younger kids with us, I think it really helps, and it doesn't hurt for us older kids either.

Florida 2010 – Day 1 (March 4)

OK, I was going to try to do this daily, but since you're reading this Saturday, and I've been here since Thursday, obviously that didn't work out too well. But hey, better late than never, and this is mostly for my own benefit anyway. As always, if you enjoy it, I'm doubly pleased.

THURSDAY (I'm imagining "The Shining" titles as I do this)

We flew out of Kalamazoo on Thursday. Direct Air… one of those smaller charter flights where you can get a good deal. Very comfortable flight, actually. (No problems with "too fat to fly," thank you very much.) Little bit of a delay out of K'Zoo, but nothing major… and a direct flight is always nice. Niece and nephew Cayla and Zach were incredibly excited; the enthusiasm is definitely infectious.

We arrived in Sanford Airport (just outside of Orlando), and the first major headache was dealing with the rental car company. Not that National isn't a decent company to work with, but if you don't have a credit card, you have to get creative. I needed proof of my itinerary, and unfortunately we booked our tickets online… no proof of return trip. So, off to the Direct Air counter, and since Direct Air only runs one flight a day from K'Zoo to Sanford, there is of course nobody at their ticket counter. Thankfully, I batted my puppy dog eyes (or "verging on the criminally insane" eyes; I don't know the difference anymore) at a nearby Allegiant employee, and she was nice enough to help me. (Thanks Allegiant!) So, we finally obtained a Dodge Caliber for Camille and I, and away we go.

Off to the rental house… very nice place… I will try to post pictures. Six bedrooms for Camille and I, Carla and Don, Bob and Charlotte, and separate rooms for Zach and Cayla, which, as somebody who once had to room with his brother (love ya, Kent!), is definitely appreciated. One left over in case somebody needs it. Bathrooms for everybody, so we have no Brady Bunch style morning fights over who gets to use it next. Pool and hot tub in the back. OK, maybe not a "hot" tub. Heating is apparently out, so it's not even a lukewarm tub at this point. Beggars can't be choosers, and the niece and nephew will go in anyway.

Amazingly, Carla, Camille, and Charlotte head to the grocery store to pick up supplies for the week. Despite the travel exhaustion, these women will not be stopped in their mission to make sure we have peanut butter in the morning. It's why we love them.

As for the men, it's our job to secure dinner. In times of old, that would have meant heading into the forest to hunt something down. These days, it's Pizza Hut. My father-in-law Bob and I head off to gather the pies while Don stays back with the kids. We get there, and I inquire, at the top of my loud Michigander voice, "Hey, do you have that $10 pizza deal?" To which the waitress immediately responded with a stricken look and pulled me aside, shushing me like I was giving away nuclear secrets to the Iranians. She informed me that they were a FRANCHISE and that they did not usually honor the $10 deal that has been shown on television. I responded with a confused look on my face, but what they hey, we still got the pies for $10 apiece.

While we waited for the pizza, my father-in-law and I went next door to the quick stop (or whatever it called itself) to obtain the necessary adult fluid for the week. The shopkeeper was quite the character, a friendly immigrant from some Eastern European country (didn't ask him where). He made some astute observations about my relationship with Bob (son-in-law instead of son, since I actually reached for my wallet to pay for the beer; apparently a son wouldn't have done that) and told us a good joke. Always good to have more jokes on hand from Eastern European immigrant quickie stop owners.

Back to the ranch and after a late dinner some much-needed sleep. Tomorrow, the Tampa Zoo. Can't wait!

COMING IN SPRING 2011

What Averagely Makes a Movie Awesome

Since I’ll be doing movie reviews on this blog from time to time, I think it’s time to introduce the “Brent Alles' What Averagely Makes a Movie Awesome List” (patent pending). This is subject to change, but below are the “top 12” criteria as they currently stand (listed alphabetically, not necessarily by awesomeness).

BRENT ALLES' WHAT AVERAGELY MAKES A MOVIE AWESOME LIST (2010)
1. Aliens. From outer space, not immigrants.
2. Explosions. KA-BOOM!
3. Giant Monsters. GO GO GODZILLA!
4. Mobsters. From any era.
5. Ninjas. Preferably wearing black. See also http://www.realultimatepower.net/
6. Robots. Metallic form is preferred.
7. Space Combat. Preferably small ships against an impossibly large target.
8. Superheroes. Preferably in their original costumes from the comic books, not some “realistic” Hollywood idea of what a superhero costume should look like.
9. Supervillains. Mad scientists would definitely fit into this category; I'll also accept the weirdos from Dick Tracy and the like.
10. Time Travel. Preferably in a DeLorean, though other forms are acceptable.
11. Vampires. Not the moping, navel-gazing kind found in Twilight; I’m talking the bad-@$$ bloodsuckers found in Hammer films from the 1950’s and 1960’s and their proper descendants.
12. Werewolves. Again, the scary kind; not Taylor Lautner with his shirt off.

A film's WAMAMA Scale, then, is determined by how many of the above elements are in a given movie. More elements mean a better chance of being awesome. (Hence the insertion of the word "Averagely," since having something from the above list doesn't guarantee awesomeness; e.g., there have been plenty of awful films with space combat in them, believe it or not.)

For example, Star Wars (any of them) would have a WAMAMA Rating of 8, based on the following:
· Aliens. Check.
· Explosions. Check check.
· Giant Monsters. Check. The snow beast and asteroid worm from Empire Strikes Back are two good examples.
· Mobsters. Jabba the Hut is a mobster. (And contrary to some rumors, Marlon Brando did NOT play him; he wanted too much money.)
· Ninjas. I’ll stretch here and count the Jedis in this category.
· Robots. Plentiful.
· Space Combat. It’s not called Star Wars for nuthin’.
· Superheroes. Even though they’re not wearing comic book costumes, I would count Luke Skywalker and Han Solo in this category. And hey, Star Wars has appeared in comic book form in several manifestations.

For additional reference, “Valentine’s Day,” which I reviewed recently, would have a WAMAMA Scale of 0. (I’m not counting Ashton Kutcher as an “alien,” though maybe I should.)

That’s not to say that a movie with a higher score on the WAMAMA Scale is "awesomer" (me teach English - hi!) than another that at least qualifies with one of the criteria. For example, “Back to the Future,” one of my favorite film trilogies of all time, only has a 2 on the WAMAMA scale (“Time Travel” and "Explosions"), but it’s still almost as AWESOME as Star Wars. (And it beats the 1990's/2000's prequel trilogy quite handily, thank you very much.)

If you have your own ideas of “WAMAMA”, feel free to add them below, Rabbit Holers!

Kevin Smith: Too Fat to Fly?

The Internet is all abuzz today over "Clerks" director Kevin Smith getting kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight due to his size. (If you haven't heard about it, go ahead and Google it and then come back - I'll wait.) Smith then sent forth a lipase storm of Tweets from his Twitter account expressing his outrage.

As someone who's also struggling to get his weight down, I feel for him. On my recent flight to Salt Lake City (on Delta Airlines - good airline in my experience, by the way), the nagging worry was in the back of my mind the whole time that I might get that tap on my shoulder indicating I was too big for my seat and I would either have to (a) pay for an extra seat (not really feasible) or (b) take a later flight where the seat next to me was open (which wasn't actually conducive with the tight schedule I had to get to SLC). Fortunately, I worried for nothing; I was lucky enough to have the seat empty next to me on the plan ride over and lucky enough to sit next to people that weren't as big as me on the other flights. (And to my occasional seatmates - I tried to compress myself and even contort myself uncomfortably to give you as much room as I could.)

I am determined to get the weight off permanently so that this won't be a problem in the future, but for now I'm torn on who to support in this Kevin Smith issue. I understand why the airlines have to operate the way they do; on the other hand, there would be nothing more humiliating than getting the boot off an airplane due to your size. Do I think Smith needed to make as big of a deal as he has about it? Probably not.

The usual snarky comments of course populated the message boards and other electronic hang-outs regarding Smith's incident. And there is a point to their snipes (even if they are all jerky about it to varying degrees) - we of a larger size all do have to work on getting our weight down and being healthy. No argument there. Conversely, we still have to respect each other as human beings, no matter what our size, and sometimes you have to use air travel to get where you need to go. And I don't think those airline seats are even comfortable for the skinny people, let alone those of us who go on the other end of the bulbous bell curve.

Bottom line - if I'm not working to get my weight down, then you can complain all you want, but maybe we people of larger size need to start wearing "Scarlet D's" for "dieting" or "E"'s for "exercising" so that people know that we are at least trying.

What do you think, Rabbit Holers?

"Valentine's Day"

Ah, February 14. I remember my college days when my social life was pretty much nil, and so I was a member of the "Black ------- Society" (------- representing whatever the day of the week Valentine's Day happened to fall on that year). The only upside of not having a significant other on Valentine's Day is that you won't be forced to see movies like "Valentine's Day."

Look, I love my wife, and I'm gone a lot doing things like dressing up in a black panther suit to entertain children (long story), so from time to time I do things out of (a) love and (b) appeasement (in that order). Hence, after a very nice dinner tonight, I took her to see "Valentine's Day," starring everybody in Hollywood who apparently had a free day in their schedule last year. Would I have preferred to see "The Wolfman"? Yes. Did Camille want to see "The Wolfman"? Absolutely not. So it doesn't take a major military strategist to know who's going to win this battle.

First off, let me say that I tolerate "VD" (shorthand for "Valentine's Day" for the rest of this piece, and yes, let's get the childish giggle out of the way NOW) director Garry Marshall, as he's done some quality work in the past. The man created "Mork and Mindy," after all. That's right, "Mork and Mindy," treasured show of my childhood. Don't laugh... you know you loved it as well. (Yeah, I know Marshall also created "Happy Days." That show did not have Jonathan Winters playing an alien baby. My case is closed.)

One of Marshall's big hits in filmdom was of course "Pretty Woman," and I amused myself during the 125-minute "VD" (way too long for a romantic comedy, if you ask me, and you probably didn't) by counting the number of "Pretty Woman" actors that received a quick paycheck by appearing in this film. Julia Roberts... check. Hector Elizondo... check. Larry Miller... check. OK, that's about it. WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE "PRETTY WOMAN" ACTORS, MARSHALL? Laura San Giacomo's gotta eat! "Just Shoot Me" residuals won't support her the rest of her life!

(Quick disclaimer - Marshall also directed the film version of "Frankie and Johnny," which is one of my all-time-favorite movies of the 90's, so, again, I'm not going with blind hatred for him here or anything.)

"Valentine's Day" is a mash-up of a bunch of pretty people WITH PROBLEMS having to deal with the EXTREME pressures of February 14. (As well as Shirley MacLaine and Hector Elizondo for the senior set.) The problem is that there are so many friggin' stories with so many friggin' people that you end up caring not a whit for any of them. I mean, take Ashton Kutcher, fachrissake ASHTON KUTCHER, who actually had me caring for him as an actor in this film and not, for once, wishing him to die some sort of appropriately ironic death. However, due to the other 2963 subplots going on in the movie, you're not allowed to invest in his character or story at all, so in the end you just wonder why only two of the people from "That 70's Show" got cast in this (Topher Grace being the other) and not the rest. FEZ NEEDS TO EAT TOO, GARRY MARSHALL!

There are some nice moments here and there in this film, but they're overwhelmed by the moments that had my eyeballs rolling out of my head and clattering on the floor. The ratio of one to the other was not good.

Look, I know, I know. It's a romantic comedy. It's SUPPOSED to be formulaic. And it is, for the most part. It actually crams 364 romantic comedies into one mess of a peasant stew of a movie. There were a couple of genuine shocks (to me) in the story, including one involving two of the main characters that got a largely inappropriate reaction from the capacity crowd I saw it with. (Hey, it's West Michigan, I'm sure you can figure it out if you try hard enough.) The rest, though -you knew what was going to happen when the opening credits rolled.

"VD" also has way-too-precocious kids and way-too-many-cutesy animals, so by the end I felt like I was having a box of chocolates crammed down my throat. There are enough actors I like in this film to get my attention (always love seeing Jennifer Garner), but there's TOO MANY of them. If you're going to have this many stars assembled, then make them participate in a circus, like they did back in the 70's. You know, when they made quality stuff like "Mork and Mindy."

I need to watch something with blood and guts now to wash the cotton candy out of my brain.

GRADE: C (is for cookie, though that's not good enough for me in this case)

Disagree? Comment below, Rabbit Holers.

Welcome to Alles in Wonderland

All right, so sometimes I have thoughts that are too big for a Facebook status update, so here they will go. I am fully aware that probably only my friends and family will ever read this, and those probably only by constant nagging, but to any visitors who accidentally stumble down the rabbit hole into this stream of consciousness I call my brain... WELCOME.