"Valentine's Day"

Ah, February 14. I remember my college days when my social life was pretty much nil, and so I was a member of the "Black ------- Society" (------- representing whatever the day of the week Valentine's Day happened to fall on that year). The only upside of not having a significant other on Valentine's Day is that you won't be forced to see movies like "Valentine's Day."

Look, I love my wife, and I'm gone a lot doing things like dressing up in a black panther suit to entertain children (long story), so from time to time I do things out of (a) love and (b) appeasement (in that order). Hence, after a very nice dinner tonight, I took her to see "Valentine's Day," starring everybody in Hollywood who apparently had a free day in their schedule last year. Would I have preferred to see "The Wolfman"? Yes. Did Camille want to see "The Wolfman"? Absolutely not. So it doesn't take a major military strategist to know who's going to win this battle.

First off, let me say that I tolerate "VD" (shorthand for "Valentine's Day" for the rest of this piece, and yes, let's get the childish giggle out of the way NOW) director Garry Marshall, as he's done some quality work in the past. The man created "Mork and Mindy," after all. That's right, "Mork and Mindy," treasured show of my childhood. Don't laugh... you know you loved it as well. (Yeah, I know Marshall also created "Happy Days." That show did not have Jonathan Winters playing an alien baby. My case is closed.)

One of Marshall's big hits in filmdom was of course "Pretty Woman," and I amused myself during the 125-minute "VD" (way too long for a romantic comedy, if you ask me, and you probably didn't) by counting the number of "Pretty Woman" actors that received a quick paycheck by appearing in this film. Julia Roberts... check. Hector Elizondo... check. Larry Miller... check. OK, that's about it. WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE "PRETTY WOMAN" ACTORS, MARSHALL? Laura San Giacomo's gotta eat! "Just Shoot Me" residuals won't support her the rest of her life!

(Quick disclaimer - Marshall also directed the film version of "Frankie and Johnny," which is one of my all-time-favorite movies of the 90's, so, again, I'm not going with blind hatred for him here or anything.)

"Valentine's Day" is a mash-up of a bunch of pretty people WITH PROBLEMS having to deal with the EXTREME pressures of February 14. (As well as Shirley MacLaine and Hector Elizondo for the senior set.) The problem is that there are so many friggin' stories with so many friggin' people that you end up caring not a whit for any of them. I mean, take Ashton Kutcher, fachrissake ASHTON KUTCHER, who actually had me caring for him as an actor in this film and not, for once, wishing him to die some sort of appropriately ironic death. However, due to the other 2963 subplots going on in the movie, you're not allowed to invest in his character or story at all, so in the end you just wonder why only two of the people from "That 70's Show" got cast in this (Topher Grace being the other) and not the rest. FEZ NEEDS TO EAT TOO, GARRY MARSHALL!

There are some nice moments here and there in this film, but they're overwhelmed by the moments that had my eyeballs rolling out of my head and clattering on the floor. The ratio of one to the other was not good.

Look, I know, I know. It's a romantic comedy. It's SUPPOSED to be formulaic. And it is, for the most part. It actually crams 364 romantic comedies into one mess of a peasant stew of a movie. There were a couple of genuine shocks (to me) in the story, including one involving two of the main characters that got a largely inappropriate reaction from the capacity crowd I saw it with. (Hey, it's West Michigan, I'm sure you can figure it out if you try hard enough.) The rest, though -you knew what was going to happen when the opening credits rolled.

"VD" also has way-too-precocious kids and way-too-many-cutesy animals, so by the end I felt like I was having a box of chocolates crammed down my throat. There are enough actors I like in this film to get my attention (always love seeing Jennifer Garner), but there's TOO MANY of them. If you're going to have this many stars assembled, then make them participate in a circus, like they did back in the 70's. You know, when they made quality stuff like "Mork and Mindy."

I need to watch something with blood and guts now to wash the cotton candy out of my brain.

GRADE: C (is for cookie, though that's not good enough for me in this case)

Disagree? Comment below, Rabbit Holers.